how to be miserable

reminisce
reminisce
miss her
blame yourself
they cannot love you

keep going keep digging pick at the scab let it bleed let it pool in your palm like something sacred like something that needs to be held like something that should be buried somewhere safe but where is safe you were not built for safety you were built for leaving

tell yourself it doesn’t matter let it matter anyway crack your knuckles crack your ribs count them one two three press until they splinter tell yourself the ache is just a growing pain but you are not growing are you

run run but not fast enough you never were fast enough let the pavement chew up your feet let the sky swallow you whole let the wind push you back into the place you were trying to leave

drink from the faucet drink from your hands drink until you choke on it drown standing up

sleep but not well wake up gasping wake up reaching for nothing wake up and stay awake because sleep is where she lingers sleep is where you see her sleep is where you do not get to wake up alone

cut your hair cut your arms break the mirror just to have something sharp to hold do not cry about it cry about everything else sit in the wreckage of yourself and call it a home

whisper it now into the cracks in the pavement say it say it say it again no one will hear no one will care no one will come but wouldn’t it be something if they did